Wednesday, March 17, 2010


So as the dates show, I have not done well with the blogging. We have had a lot of changes go in since January 13, 2010.

Driving home one day and Lexi flips out. She was crying hysterically. Trying to talk to her lots of words come out. She proceeded in telling me that she didn't know how much longer she could live. Didn't know how much longer she could deal with life. What a HORRIBLE thing to hear as a mother. It was so very hard. I was trying to talk to her but she was hysterical. That is the day it all changed.

We get home and she writes a note to Tyler with approximately the same thing except she say she wants to harm herself. This freaks me out in a bad way. Being a nurse and a mom my thoughts are conflicted. (Lexi's biological SD, is bipolar and has attempted suicide at least 6 times) I put her right in the car to head to the ER. I can not risk this being a game. On the way to the ER Lexi is sobbing and so am I. We pull over. She states she doesn't mean it she just doesn't know how to deal with all her issues and mood swings. I cry, she cries, we go home. I knew that she was attention seeking but I also knew she had to have been thinking about this for a while to say all this.

We get up the next morning, all of us exhausted. I then spend most of my day trying to get her int to see someone...a counselor, a psychiatrist, anyone. I have never been so angry in my entire life. I was getting the run around and told over and over it would be months before anyone could get her in. Finally after talking to about 8 different people at 8 different places I flipped out. I told them that this was my baby! They had to realize she was just 10 years old and was contemplating suicide. Thank goodness the lady on the phone was listening. She said that they could see her the very next day. Hallelujah! I didn't know if I could take much more.

We (Tyler, Lexi and I) go traipsing off to the Arthur Center. We see a wonderful counselor named Cindy.

~~~Now to back up, Lexi has had horrible mood swings/fits since she was 4. No one would do anything and said it was hormones, or being a kid, or "all the things she had been through", or because she had been around so many adults....I knew there was something more. She had seen a social worker for about 1 1/2 years who was doing nothing but costing me money.~~~

We meet with Cindy. She was great. She sat and listened to us and to Lexi. She listened to me tell about all the mood swings, rages, being very manic to very sad to angry. She listened to every word. That was the beginning of anew for us.

While sitting with Cindy she asked about family history etc... That is when I started telling her about BSP (biological sperm doner) and his BPD (bipolar disorder) and SA (suicide attempts). It was very hard for Lexi to hear but maybe it was what she needed. Cindy asked me what I thought was going on. I said I thought Lexi had BPD also. She agreed. THANK YOU CINDY. Maybe we can get somewhere now.

Seeing Cindy was great, however never did I think it would be so difficult to get into see a psychiatrist....6 weeks....are you kidding me....well they would put us on a wait list and call us if anything opens up. Well that didn't suit me....but i would take it for now.

Back to work/school we go and now I am on a mission. I hate the thought of waiting that long....I call all kinds of places again with no luck. Cindy did say that if our PCP would be willing to write for us until we could see psychiatrist that that would be a very good thing. God Bless Mendi and Abby for helping us with all of that. She was started on Depakote.

We weaned off of the Paxil and start on the Depakote. Seems to be working some after about two weeks. (Note that daily I am calling the Arthur Center to see if they have any cancellations....6 weeks of nothing.) After being on the Depakote for 3 weeks I think we are going good...then the bottom falls out. Lexi is worse than before, she is in a horrible fit of rage. Hitting herself, screaming, crying, a crazy laugh... I call the crisis line. I tell them I am 10 minutes away can someone see her. They tell me no, but I could take her to the ER to be admitted....I love the mental health system........NOT!!!!!!! I tell them that I don't feel that that is needed. They talk to one of the psychiatrist and increase her medication.

For better or worse we are still on the medication. We have seen the psychiatrist once and he started her on a medication to sleep. That has seemed to help some. However it feels that since she had had a diagnosis she blames everything on it. The psychiatrist and the counselor also think that Lexi has ADD and ODD. I feel like we are playing Scrabble.

We have been to see Cindy twice more. I hope it is all helping though some days I feel like we are rolling back down the hill. We are meeting with the teachers tomorrow to discuss some options for Lexi and seeing if we can make life a little easier.

I will fill in some of the spaces on a different day. Now my thoughts are racing...I just hope our family can stand together thru all of this. It has been a strain on the marriage and home life. Please pray for us all.

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