A year in review....

Today I have sat and thought about the last year...accomplishments, changes, heartache, tears and smiles. I have come to realize that this life is good and it is what God wants me to have. As the start of a new year comes I am going to try to be a better, happier person. Not just on the outside but inside too.

I have learned today that one of my friends who has been fighting cancer for about 6 years is going on to hospice care. That has been a smack in the face for me. He and his wife have put up a strong fight. And have done it with dignity and I am so impressed by them. It has brought me to the realization that life is short...I know I have heard it so many times.....but it sometimes takes a smack in the face to open my eyes...sort of hard headed.

I have set goals for myself...not resolutions. I am going to read this Bible in 2011, our pastor is challenging the church and I think I will follow suit. Not only with that bring me closer to God but will give me much needed time to myself. I am going to wake up each morning and count my blessings.

This week I have thought about how you hear that God gives you no more than you can handle and I thought wow he is really testing me. I know that God trusts me and believes in me. It is high time I believe in myself.

Our girls are growing up so fast. There have been so many changes with them I just don't know what to do. Some days I am sad about that. Some days I think maybe we should have another child. Some days I wonder why God gave me the two I have. I feel blessed. At this point and time we (Tyler and I) realize that we are 1 parent to 1 kid and that is the only way we can handle it. We don't want to be out numbered :)

Addy starts Dance and "Vaton"

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Addy Jo on her first night of Mid-Mo Kats

Addy has started dance and Baton lessons with Mid-Mo Kats. She is loving every minute of it. She is convinced that she is doing "vaton" no matter what else happens. She is so excited about this new beginning.
We hope this is the start of a little freedom for her. She has not been around other kids a whole lot since we are lucky enough to have Dean and Shirley and Nana and Papa to keep her.

That is Miss Addy on the bottom left of the picture in purple. She had to wear her sparkle skirt cuz that is what you do in dance. I have also convinced her that she has to wear her hair up so at least we are trying to do something with it once in a while. She hates to have her hair done.

Addy is quite a bit younger than the other girls in her class and is not bothered by this at all. We have been lucky enough to have some helpers in the class to work a little one on one with her. She loves Dani. We were concerned that Dani would be there this week but low and behold there she was and Addy was thrilled. Addy is kind of in her own world but who cares...she is 2! Kim, Karisha and Kalyn have been so patient with her and are quite a blessing.

Since starting with them she has stayed in her Sunday School class so I have graduated to an adult class. It is amazing how some child, so independent at home is so shy in public. Stay tuned for future pics....and posts :)

Sun

Woke this morning to beautiful sunshine! So glad. Yesterday was quite a day.

Went to Lexi's conference. She is doing grat with her grades. They have had a few issues with her not turning stuff in but all in all they think she is doing well.

Told the teacher that by the time she gets home she is exhausted. She always has a headache. Mrs. Dickerson did say that when Lexi doesn't like something she comes down with a headache.

Lexi forgot her phone and flash drive at Ada's and that became a huge issue. Needless to say she was hollaring at me and it was my fault. She asked me what kind of mother doesn't make sure her kids have all their stuff. I told her I didn't even know she had the flash drive. Long story short she escilated and hurt my feelings with all she said.

Her and Tyler had a 2 hour conversation about anger management and being responsible. Today we go to the pdoc and I am requesting a med change.

We have found out that Miss Addy Jo can not have popcorn. Each time she eats it the poor thing gets constipated. Poor baby.

Today we go to the dentist in Columbia, then to Mexico to the pdoc and pick up Lexi's glasses, then back to Columbia to do taxes and let Lexi go to Jentri's for the night.

Better put on my driving gloves. Haha.

I feel like this may be my outlet for stress.

I have the hardest time understanding why she is so angry. I just don't get it.

I feel like Addy is missing out on a lot of things because of us always fighting with Lexi. I don't know how to ease this issue.

Today is parent teacher conference. Feeling worried about this.

***Sigh****

So as the dates show, I have not done well with the blogging. We have had a lot of changes go in since January 13, 2010.



Driving home one day and Lexi flips out. She was crying hysterically. Trying to talk to her lots of words come out. She proceeded in telling me that she didn't know how much longer she could live. Didn't know how much longer she could deal with life. What a HORRIBLE thing to hear as a mother. It was so very hard. I was trying to talk to her but she was hysterical. That is the day it all changed.



We get home and she writes a note to Tyler with approximately the same thing except she say she wants to harm herself. This freaks me out in a bad way. Being a nurse and a mom my thoughts are conflicted. (Lexi's biological SD, is bipolar and has attempted suicide at least 6 times) I put her right in the car to head to the ER. I can not risk this being a game. On the way to the ER Lexi is sobbing and so am I. We pull over. She states she doesn't mean it she just doesn't know how to deal with all her issues and mood swings. I cry, she cries, we go home. I knew that she was attention seeking but I also knew she had to have been thinking about this for a while to say all this.



We get up the next morning, all of us exhausted. I then spend most of my day trying to get her int to see someone...a counselor, a psychiatrist, anyone. I have never been so angry in my entire life. I was getting the run around and told over and over it would be months before anyone could get her in. Finally after talking to about 8 different people at 8 different places I flipped out. I told them that this was my baby! They had to realize she was just 10 years old and was contemplating suicide. Thank goodness the lady on the phone was listening. She said that they could see her the very next day. Hallelujah! I didn't know if I could take much more.



We (Tyler, Lexi and I) go traipsing off to the Arthur Center. We see a wonderful counselor named Cindy.





~~~Now to back up, Lexi has had horrible mood swings/fits since she was 4. No one would do anything and said it was hormones, or being a kid, or "all the things she had been through", or because she had been around so many adults....I knew there was something more. She had seen a social worker for about 1 1/2 years who was doing nothing but costing me money.~~~



We meet with Cindy. She was great. She sat and listened to us and to Lexi. She listened to me tell about all the mood swings, rages, being very manic to very sad to angry. She listened to every word. That was the beginning of anew for us.



While sitting with Cindy she asked about family history etc... That is when I started telling her about BSP (biological sperm doner) and his BPD (bipolar disorder) and SA (suicide attempts). It was very hard for Lexi to hear but maybe it was what she needed. Cindy asked me what I thought was going on. I said I thought Lexi had BPD also. She agreed. THANK YOU CINDY. Maybe we can get somewhere now.



Seeing Cindy was great, however never did I think it would be so difficult to get into see a psychiatrist....6 weeks....are you kidding me....well they would put us on a wait list and call us if anything opens up. Well that didn't suit me....but i would take it for now.



Back to work/school we go and now I am on a mission. I hate the thought of waiting that long....I call all kinds of places again with no luck. Cindy did say that if our PCP would be willing to write for us until we could see psychiatrist that that would be a very good thing. God Bless Mendi and Abby for helping us with all of that. She was started on Depakote.



We weaned off of the Paxil and start on the Depakote. Seems to be working some after about two weeks. (Note that daily I am calling the Arthur Center to see if they have any cancellations....6 weeks of nothing.) After being on the Depakote for 3 weeks I think we are going good...then the bottom falls out. Lexi is worse than before, she is in a horrible fit of rage. Hitting herself, screaming, crying, a crazy laugh... I call the crisis line. I tell them I am 10 minutes away can someone see her. They tell me no, but I could take her to the ER to be admitted....I love the mental health system........NOT!!!!!!! I tell them that I don't feel that that is needed. They talk to one of the psychiatrist and increase her medication.



For better or worse we are still on the medication. We have seen the psychiatrist once and he started her on a medication to sleep. That has seemed to help some. However it feels that since she had had a diagnosis she blames everything on it. The psychiatrist and the counselor also think that Lexi has ADD and ODD. I feel like we are playing Scrabble.



We have been to see Cindy twice more. I hope it is all helping though some days I feel like we are rolling back down the hill. We are meeting with the teachers tomorrow to discuss some options for Lexi and seeing if we can make life a little easier.



I will fill in some of the spaces on a different day. Now my thoughts are racing...I just hope our family can stand together thru all of this. It has been a strain on the marriage and home life. Please pray for us all.

Hoarding

Watching Hoarders with Lexi. Praying it will open her eyes. Having realizations that me having OCD will not make her that way. Maybe together we can do this. Love my girls.

2010

The new year hopes to be a great one for us. We are attempting new things with both girls. Potty training with Addy to new disipline with Lexi. As a family we plan to do more together. We are praying that God will bring our church a new pastor.